Let's Talk About Sex, Baby!
by herinfiniteeyes
Summary: Edward and Bella are married, but their sex life leaves something to be desired. How can they turn things around? A/H, A/U, E/B, lemons, fluff, funnies!


**A/N: So... this is a one-shot based purely on the fact that I'm not allowed to have sex until Thursday (and that means I automatically want to now, naturally) and I need a good laugh. So yeah... I figured, why should Edward _always _be amazing in bed? Cuz maybe it's funny if, for once, he bumbles.. like us humans. **

**Therefore, this is just meant to be funny and sexy and _please_ don't ask me to continue it... if I do, then I do. I don't wanna feel bad the way I do for not continuing All Work and No Play, you know? **

**So please, enjoy:) **

**P.S. I have a challenge for you. If you like this one-shot and you wanna try something like it, you should. Write a funny sexy one-shot and then PM me with the link so I can read it too;)!**

BPOV

"Wait, wait! I think...urgh! Dammit, Edward!" I begged, feeling deflated.

Edward's sweaty face hung suspended above mine, a look of remorse and embarrassment clouding his beautiful features. "I'm so sorry, honey. I tried, I really did..." he mumbled sadly.

I grumbled and tried to push him off of me so I could go take a shower. Edward rolled over and threw an arm across his eyes, hiding most of his face from my view. "I'm sorry," he said quietly. Instead of answering him, I padded into the bathroom still wearing my nightgown and socks; Edward never took off more than necessary for sex.

Once I was behind the locked door bathroom, I sat on the toilet lid and sighed miserably. We'd been married for almost two years now, and our sex life was...well, pathetic. I'd come to our marriage bed as a virgin, but Edward had been with women before me; that didn't help the fact that he was insanely prudish and controlled at all times.

But what could I do? I loved the man, more than anything. He always treated me like a lady: opened doors, pulled out my chair, always brought me flowers and remembered important occasions. He was insanely intelligent, sweet, and (lest we forget) amazingly hot.

I just wished he knew how to rock my world in the bedroom. If only we could just figure out this sex thing, we could have the kind of marriage that made others green with jealousy.

After taking a lonely shower, during which I fantasized about my husband kicking down the door to ravish me against the wall, I climbed back into bed and pulled out my book to do some reading. Edward was already asleep, his beautiful face relaxed and untroubled.

I knew what I had to do.

[The next day]

I nudged the cutlery ever-so-slightly on the folded cloth napkin for the tenth time in an hour as I waited for Edward to come home from work. I sighed and sat in my chair at the dinner table; my leg wiggled nervously as I tried to calm my breathing and find some inner calm before he got here.

What I was about to do could possibly ruin my marriage, but I had to at least try...

The door opened and Edward walked through, loosening his tie as he went. He dropped his briefcase by the coat tree and nudged his shoes off into the basket next to the door. I watched appreciatively as he removed his suit jacket and hung it up on a limb of the coat tree before he turned and spotted me seated at the table. "Oh, hey babe. How was your day?" he asked tiredly.

I gave him a small smile. "Oh, it was fine. I bought some new books for the store and helped Jessica plan the book signing for next month," I replied. "How about your day?"

He reached up to remove his tie and unbutton the top buttons. The strong column of his neck was revealed to me as he sat down across from me and placed the napkin on his lap. "Mmm, this looks great, honey. Thank you so much for cooking," he told me with appreciation in his voice.

We passed the dishes and bowls between us and settled in to eat, but I could hardly taste the food through my nerves. Finally, I set my fork down and looked up at my proud husband. "Edward, my love?" I began, the terror thick in my throat.

He looked up at me and smiled. "Yes?"

I clenched my hands in my lap. "I don't know what you're going to say about this, but just please hear me out before you say anything...okay?" I begged him.

He looked concerned now, but he smiled slightly and nodded reassuringly. I cleared my throat and stood up to grab a piece of printer paper from the counter top behind me. I spun around and faced him with dread. "So...as you've probably noticed, our sex life is...not as good as it could be," I began tentatively. Edward was such a proud and conservative man, and I had no idea how he would respond to my impending words...

Sure enough, his eyes darkened and his expression became stormy. "Go on," he encouraged.

I swallowed thickly. "Okay, well, I was at my wit's end after last night, and I did some research today...and I found this," I told him as I handed him the sheet of paper.

Edward's eyes didn't leave mine as he grasped the paper in his strong hand. I gestured nervously for him to look at it, and he finally did. I watched the expressions play across his face as he read: reluctance, dismay, anger, and finally...acceptance.

He looked up at me with shielded eyes. "Are you sure you want to do this, honey?" he asked with a clenched jaw.

I nodded and looked at him hopefully, wishing he could be as open to this as I was.

He sighed heavily. "Okay, then. I'll make the arrangements."

[One week later]

I climbed out of the Volvo and walked around the back to see Edward handing our bags off to a man in some sort of hippie getup: a loose white shirt and tan khaki shorts with sandals on his feet. I rolled my eyes, walked over to my husband, and grasped his hand in mine reassuringly.

"Are you sure you want to do this?" I asked him softly.

Edward squeezed my hand and looked down at me. "If this is what it takes to make my wife happy, then so be it," he replied.

We were led to a cluster of identical small cabins off to the side of a bigger cabin situated in the middle of the woods. When we stepped inside, I looked around at our surroundings: the bed was huge and covered in what I could only describe as sensual fabrics, while the walls were painted a deep scarlet red. No televisions, telephones, computers, cell phones, or other electronics were allowed. There were mirrors on each wall, and..._oh my god, one on the ceiling!_

I could only hope Edward didn't notice that one.

Edward released my hand and I walked over to inspect the bathroom. Inside, there was a pile of thick, plush towels in the same deep red. The bathtub was an enormous jetted tub with a shower stall big enough for two people...and there were more mirrors along the walls. There were unlit candles and vases of roses along the counter top, just waiting for romance.

Edward came up behind me and handed me the itinerary for the weekend. We were due for our first session in about fifteen minutes. "So, what do you think so far?" he asked me with a smile.

I looked around once more. "This sure doesn't look like a cabin on the inside," I replied with wonder.

He laughed lightly and took my hand. "Let's go, I don't want to be late."

Once inside the main cabin, we spotted three other couples lounging among piles of pillows and blankets. There was an empty pile, so we crossed to that and got situated. I looked around curiously at the other couples, trying to figure them out. The couple immediately to our right looked like they definitely didn't need to be here; the man was big and burly, with well-defined muscles and a handsome face and he had his hands up inside the gorgeous blond woman's shirt as they tried to devour one another. I blushed and averted my eyes to the couple behind us. The woman was petite and fair-skinned with short black hair. Her partner was tall and blond, classically handsome with a charming smile on his face as he sat and looked around the room. The woman was on her Blackberry, busy checking her email or some such thing. To our left, I saw a shy-looking woman with long brown hair and tanned skin sitting beside a nerdy-looking man with glasses. He was shorter than her, but he looked like he may have some muscle beneath his white t-shirt. He looked like he was about to have an asthma attack any moment.

I briefly considered what we must look like to the other couples, but I didn't have time to dwell on it too much because a beautiful middle-aged woman entered with an incredibly handsome blond man trailing behind her. Her clothing was loose and flowing, and her rich brown hair hung down her back in soft waves. I found myself envying the confidence and sensuality rolling off her in waves. The man behind her was shirtless, wearing only a pair of relaxed linen pants held up with a drawstring. Both of them were barefoot, so I hurriedly toed off my own sandals and tried to look like I belonged here.

The woman stopped in front of the group and smiled beautifully. "Hello, everyone. My name is Esme Cullen, and this is my partner, Carlisle Cullen. Welcome to the Infinite Soulmate Sensuality Retreat," she greeted.

I sneaked a peek at Edward to see how he was holding up. His expression was guarded, but he didn't look like he was ready to turn tail and run..._yet_.

Esme smiled and spoke once more: "Okay, so why don't we just go around and introduce ourselves before we get started?"

[An hour later]

"Now that we're relaxed and warmed up, let's get into our first exercise: Carlisle and I will show you what we expect," Esme said.

I shifted around self-consciously, trying to avoid looking around the room. Part of the "warm-up" had been for all of us to strip down to our underwear, and I was _so_ uncomfortable. Edward looked like a sex god wearing only his boxers, but he had to go and ruin the effect by leaving on his socks... his black trouser socks. Ugh. I sighed, embarrassed.

Without any warning, she reached up and untied her pants. She beckoned to Carlisle, and he crossed in front of her before kneeling at her feet. Esme placed one leg over his shoulder, and Carlisle's face disappeared between her legs as he did stuff...down there. I gasped uncomfortably and averted my eyes, afraid to watch.

"Now see how Carlisle anticipates my needs? We have been together for a long time now, and part of being a good lover is to learn your partner's body and responses. _Oh yes, right there!_" she gasped at the end.

I coughed nervously and peeked at Edward; his eyes were as wide as saucers and there was a distinct flush across his high cheekbones. He looked like he wanted to run now.

I tried to keep my eyes away from the front of the classroom, but after looking around at all the other people staring at the couple up front with rapt expressions, I gave in and returned my attention to Esme and Carlisle. I couldn't stop my fascination as he licked and nibbled and used his mouth to pleasure the beautiful woman. She gasped and encouraged, and frequently told him where she wanted him and what she wanted him to do.

She pushed him away and smiled at all of us expectantly. "Now, it's your turn."

Edward looked like he was going to have a brain aneurysm. I _almost_ wanted to laugh at his terrified expression. Everyone around us changed their positions and I watched the guys go to work. Edward just sat there like a stone, looking completely terrified. I watched his muscular chest rise and fall unsteadily as he fought to breathe normally.

Esme was walking around the room, watching each couple and making suggestions for improvement. When she got to us, she looked at Edward with a mixture of curiosity and amusement; surely she'd noted the black socks. "So, Edward, Bella, why aren't you participating?" she asked with a faint trace of humor in her voice.

Edward looked desperately uncomfortable, and I wished for a hole to open up in the ground so I could fall into it.

"I've, er...never, er, umm... done _that _to a woman before," he answered in a creaky voice. He looked like he wanted to die of shame.

Esme's eyes widened almost imperceptibly before she smiled reassuringly. "I see. Well, how about I have Carlisle come over here and give you a few pointers?" she asked.

I watched Edward nod miserably as she called her partner over. Carlisle crossed the floor gracefully and crouched down like an adult talking to a child. "Carlisle, Edward here needs some pointers to get started," Esme told him without any of the gently amusement in her voice now.

Carlisle smiled without humor, only understanding. "Well, Edward, I'll give you the best beginner's advice I have: start with the alphabet," he said.

Edward nodded his head, but he still looked completely lost. Carlisle chuckled sexily and I saw his eyes shoot to me briefly before he turned back to my husband. "Okay, I see more explanation is needed. When you're giving oral pleasure to Bella, you will use your tongue to lick along her pussy and up around her clitoris. As a beginner, you should draw the alphabet with your tongue on her. Do you understand?" he explained.

Edward _definitely _looked like he wanted to die now. There was a look of such deep mortification on his face that I feared he would have a heart attack in the next moment. Carlisle patted him on the shoulder and gave us both a bolstering smile before he and Esme left to go check on the other couples. I could hear the moans and groans surrounding us, and it made me feel even worse.

"Edward... please. You promised you'd try," I begged quietly, sure he was close to leaving this retreat...and me.

He looked at me and his shoulders drooped. "You're right," he said with defeat. "Lay back."

I did as he said and watched as he looked around the room briefly before he took one of my legs and slung it over his shoulder like some of the other couples were doing. I watched nervously as he bent his head and licked tentatively along my folds. The sensation was terrifyingly electric, and I had to bite my lip to hold in the moan that wanted to escape. Edward had never touched me like this before.

I heard a quiet humming as Edward's mouth and tongue began to work along my center. The feeling was incredible, and even though it felt clumsy, I began to arch my hips up into his mouth and let a few moans loose. I barely noticed Esme and Carlisle return to our side as Edward's mouth pleasured me in such a new way.

"Good, Edward! Do you see how Bella's body is responding to you? Her cheeks are flushed and her nipples are hard...her hips are arching into you, asking for your touch. This is excellent for a first try!" Carlisle encouraged and praised.

I felt something scary and intense building inside of my abdomen as Edward continued to lick and nibble. I began whimpering and a wave of insane pleasure was beginning to wash over me, so I screamed a little. Edward shot backward away from me like he'd been electrocuted by my vagina. "What's happening to her?" he yelled, alarmed. "Somebody call a doctor! She's in pain! I hurt her!"

I sat up, feeling kind of angry. I was _positive_ I'd been about to have a mind-blowing orgasm before Edward pulled away. I saw him sprawled back on his butt, held up by his elbows. His hair was in wild disarray and his eyes were wide with terror. Esme tried to calm him down. "Edward, she's perfectly fine. Bella was about to have an orgasm," she explained soothingly.

Edward still looked concerned as he sat up and crawled over to me. He brushed my hair away from my face and looked deep into my eyes. "Are you sure you're okay, Bella?" he asked gravely.

I nodded and smiled at him. "Yes. Esme's right...I was just going to orgasm. It felt so amazing," I added, under my breath so only he could hear.

Edward looked like he wanted to kick himself. "God, I'm such an idiot," he berated himself.

I grasped the hand on my cheek and squeezed it. "Edward, you were doing it for the first time; don't be so hard on yourself. I was scared of it, too, but now that we know...we can try it again," I said, trying to reassure him.

I could hear a couple muffled male chuckles around the room, and it made me kind of mad. I didn't want people laughing at my Edward; he'd been so brave to come here with me. I cast a scathing glance at the burly guy and the tall blond man behind us, effectively shutting them up.

Esme returned to the front of the classroom and clapped her hands, regaining our attention. "Okay, class. That went really well! Now we're going to see how the women do with the men," she explained. She once again beckoned Carlisle to the front of the room and I watched as she knelt in front of him, pulling his pants down in the process.

Why _they _got to keep their clothes on while the rest of us sat here half-naked, I wouldn't ever understand. But whatever.

I watched Esme's hands free Carlisle's impressive erection from his pants and tried to take mental notes as she began a confident combination of licking, kissing, sucking, and massaging with her mouth and hands. Her head bobbed and his hands grasped her hair, carefully leading her into a rhythm. His head was thrown back slightly and his handsome features were locked in an expression of deep pleasure and satisfaction as his partner worked her magic on him.

Edward looked at me out of the corner of his eye and cleared his throat. I jumped a little and smiled at him shyly. I'd never done this to anybody before, either, but I wasn't brave enough to admit it like Edward was. _He_ knew I'd never done it before, but _they_ didn't, so I decided to act as if I'd done it all the time. I reached down and pushed his boxers down past his hips before pushing against his chest to get him to lay back. Once again, the other couples were already ahead of us as Carlisle gave Esme instructions and encouragement.

I wrapped my shaking hands around Edward's sizable erection and stared at it in dismay; how was I going to _do_ this without making a fool of myself? I licked my lips nervously and my eyes shot up in disbelief when I heard Edward groan quietly under his breath. His eyes were dark as he looked at me hungrily....a look I'd _never_ seen on Edward's handsome face before.

Without thinking about it again, I dipped my head down and tried to remember everything Esme had done. I licked carefully and pumped my hands up and down a bit before engulfing Edward in my mouth. The head of his penis hit the back of my throat and I gagged unattractively, feeling my eyes water and my nose begin to run. I felt Edward's hands land on my shoulders reassuringly as I pulled back a bit and tried to figure out what to do with him now that he was in my mouth.

I heard Esme come by and say softly, "Very good, Bella. Now try swirling your tongue around like you're licking a lollipop. Try massaging his testicles and see how he responds. Edward, be sure to tell Bella what feels good for you and what doesn't so she can make it better for you."

I blushed and tried to do as she suggested, and was rewarded with a grunt and a growl from Edward. I peeked up at him from beneath my lashes and noted with wonder how amazing he looked. His face was tensed in an expression of painful pleasure, and his mouth hung slack. His beautiful eyes were clenched shut and his chest and arm muscles were flexed as he fought to maintain his control.

His hips began to thrust upward and I tried to go with his movements, but it was awkward. His hands were clenched in the hair behind my ears now, and it was a little bit painful...but also a little bit exciting. I didn't know how long I could keep this up, though, because my jaw was starting to get tired.

"Bella..." he growled under his breath. "Stop...stop!" he said as he pulled me away from him. His erection fell out of my mouth with a wet plop and I looked up at him, hurt.

"What?" I asked, wondering if I'd really done such a bad job.

He looked frazzled. "I was about to...and I didn't want to...you know...in your _mouth_," he explained as he panted for breath.

I frowned and nodded, trying to get past the disappointment that seemed to color most of our sexual encounters. "I see." He looked like he wanted to say more, but we were released by Esme to go back to our cabins for the afternoon.

As we were leaving the classroom, Carlisle was handing out homework assignments. I wanted to laugh, but I also wanted to cry. I just couldn't seem to get past Edward's die-hard conservative nature, no matter what I did.

Not that I was much better, but _still_. He could try a little harder, couldn't he?

Carlisle handed Edward a card with a picture on it and winked at me with a lascivious grin. "You two will enjoy this," he said.

Edward shoved the card into his pocket and we walked back to our cabin. Once we were inside, I turned and asked him what our homework was. He shrugged and pulled the card out of his pocket. As he looked at it and read the back, his jaw dropped open and he looked up at me with panicked eyes. "I...I don't know if I can do this!" he said.

I rolled my eyes, still kind of hurt by his reluctance earlier, and grabbed the card from him. On the front was a picture of a man kneeling behind a woman on a bed. The woman was on all fours. I turned the card over and read the back before I placed it on the bedside table and looked at my husband. "It looks fairly simple, Edward. Why don't we try it?" I asked him calmly.

He gaped at me. "Bella, you can't be serious! That...that position is so degrading to you, don't you think? I can't do that to you! You're my wife!"

My jaw hung open. "Edward! Are _you _serious? What is this, 1895? I'm your _wife_, not a nun! Why do you always have to treat me like I'm so perfect, like I'm made out of glass?" I yelled, exasperated.

He tossed up his hands. "I can't just bend you over on a bed and do you like some sort of animal, Bella. You're not some sexual toy to be used for my pleasure; you're so much more..." he tried to explain.

One important thing about Edward: he never raises his voice. He just explains everything calmly.

I kind of hated it right now. I wanted him to _fight_, to be passionate and out-of-control.

I sighed. "Edward, that's just it. I _want _you to treat me like a sexual toy to be used for your pleasure....and I want to treat you the same way. I know that I love you and you love me, and we're best friends and all of that...but when it comes to the bedroom, I just wish you would loosen up and have some _fun_ with me, you know?" I pleaded with my eyes locked onto his.

He looked deflated. "I can't disrespect you like that, Bella. I just can't. I'm sorry."

My shoulders dropped in defeat as I stared across the room at my husband. "Then I'm sorry, too, Edward. I'm sorry I made you come here, and I'm sorry that...that I didn't just accept the way things were. We can go home now if you'd like," I said quietly with tears in my voice. My eyes dropped to the floor as I shuffled over to the bathroom and closed the door behind me.

I heard Edward stand in front of the door and sigh heavily. I crawled into the empty tub, curled up, and began to cry quietly so he wouldn't hear. I shoved a fist into my mouth to muffle the noise.

"Bella, honey? I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I love you, do you know that? I love you _so_ much. You didn't make me come here, I came here because I wanted things to be better for you...for _us_. I promise if you're still willing to try, I'll try harder. I don't want to give up on us," he begged quietly through the door. He sounded so sad.

I sat up and dried my tears. I opened the door and sniffled at him. Edward's face was lined with worry as he brushed away a stray tear. "If you want me to try that...position...then I will. I just worry about you feeling uncomfortable."

I nodded at him and smiled tentatively. "Let's just give it a shot, please?"

Taking his hand, I led him over to the bed and turned around to undress him. His shoulders were taut with nerves as I pushed his shirt off his arms and onto the floor. His hands came up and pulled my tank top off over my head as I worked on undoing his slacks. Once we were finally naked, I stood on tiptoe and wrapped my arms around his neck so I could kiss him deeply. Edward and I may be duds in the sack, but at least we had this; we could kiss like pros.

His hands rubbed up and down my naked back as we kissed deeply, trying to convey to one another how much we loved and were loved in return. I felt my body begin to respond to his, so I sat back onto the bed and began to move up to the center. I beckoned to Edward, trying to look sexy like Esme. He grinned and followed me down, looking nervous. I decided to ease him into it, seeing as how he was the more reluctant of the two of us. When he was hovering over me, I rolled quickly so my stomach and breasts were pressed into the bed and my hips and butt were pressed against his pelvis. I heard him gasp and gulp audibly.

"Shhh, just act like we're doing what we always do," I soothed. I jokingly referred to the missionary position as the "Masen Special" in my head.

He pressed down onto me and I felt his erection nudging my folds, looking for the way in. "Um, I...er, need your help, Bella," he conceded after searching and failing to find the right angle for entrance.

I smiled and arched my hips upward, spreading my legs a little in the process. Edward sighed in relief when his dick found the slick entrance. He sat back on his haunches as he pushed into my tight flesh. Once he was in, we both moaned in surprise.

"This feels..._amazing_," he said with wonder in his voice.

I said a breathy "Uh huh," before pushing my hips up into his. Edward groaned and I felt his hands wrap around my hips, his fingers digging into my skin desperately. His thrusts became deeper as he found a rhythm that worked. I was up on my knees now, but I was still resting on my elbows and forearms on the bed. I felt his strong body pumping against mine, and the length of his manhood was hitting some very _interesting_ places inside me. I felt the pleasure building, just as it had in the class while Edward was going down on me.

"Ughhhhh, Edward!" I whimpered.

"Mmmmmmmbellaaaa," he growled back. Oh man, I loved this position so much!

I felt the tingles beginning in my belly as he kept thrusting harder and harder. My whimpers and moans were being replaced with tiny screams and shouts, and Edward was right behind me...ha, literally.

And then he gripped my hips and shoved into me with a finality I recognized: he'd come before me yet again. I didn't _want_ to be pissed, but I was. He pulled out of me, looking completely dazed and sated as I collapsed onto the bed and stretched my limbs. I tried to smile at him encouragingly, but I was twisted inside; just _once_, I wanted to have an orgasm. Just once! I'd never had one before, but I knew that it had to be something amazing if it was anything like what I'd begun to feel...

Edward's elated expression collapsed a little as he looked at me. "Oh, honey...I did it again. Dammit!" he cursed as he slapped his forehead. "I'm horrible!"

I waved my hand. "Psh, whatever. I _was_close, though," I admitted.

Edward looked mad at himself, but then something must have occurred to him, because he hurried to the bathroom and came back with a wet washcloth. After cleaning us up, he smiled at me and assumed the position he'd been in earlier in the afternoon. I looked at him with dawning comprehension on my face as his head bent between my legs and he went about humming and licking. "Honey? What are you humming?" I asked curiously.

Edward stopped and looked up at me like a little kid getting caught. "Umm...the alphabet song," he admitted with a chagrined expression on his face.

I smirked and snickered a bit. "I see."

He went back about his business, and I tried to relax and enjoy the sensations coursing over me. Eventually, I began to feel that now familiar tingling in my belly. I began moving with my body's instincts and soon....oh man. I felt like I'd been punched in the gut in a good way, and my entire body seized up as an intense storm raged over and inside of me. I shook, I yelled, I clenched and came hard. Edward never let up on me throughout the whole thing, no doubt afraid to pull away like he did earlier.

When I came down from my very first orgasm _ever_, I saw Edward looking up at me from between my thighs. His eyes were wide with wonder and his mouth was wet. I couldn't help but grin at him. "Well done, sir. Well done," I joked breathlessly.

We both chuckled and settled down to take a nap before dinner.

[The next day]

Esme clapped enthusiastically and called us to order. "Okay, everyone! Today is all about how to get things started... whether you want to have a quickie, or initiate a romantic evening... or my own personal favorite, have a game of role playing, we're going to show you how to recognize the appropriate time and place. We'll also help you recognize your partner's signs of willingness to play, because that is _so _very important. Ready? Okay, let's see... we need volunteers. Anyone here willing to show us how you like to initiate things?"

I looked around the room, wondering who would be willing to volunteer. Naturally, the gorgeous and sexually charged couple to our right volunteered immediately. I saw Esme smile approvingly as they stood up and walked to the front of the room where a high table was situated.

"Okay, Emmett and Rosalie. Thanks for willing to show us what you've got!" Esme said. She nodded to them and walked behind them to where Carlisle was seated on the ground. She took the place between his legs and leaned back against his chest while Rosalie and Emmett got situated.

Rosalie stood in front of the table and began some miming motions like she was stirring something in a bowl. She was humming quietly and smiling as she danced to some music in her head. Emmett walked up behind her and pressed against her. I watched intently as he brushed her hair away from her shoulder and began kissing her neck. Rosalie's hands stilled as her eyes slid closed in pleasure. I watched her face as his hands moved up her sides and over her breasts, cupping them and massaging them through her bra. The couple began to sway together as his hands roamed over her body, getting rougher and more insistent. You could cut the sexual tension with a knife.

I gripped Edward's hand in mine as the burly man spun the blond goddess around and pressed up against her with intent. His mouth began to devour hers, kissing her deeply. I felt my body heat as I watched.

His hands came down and kneaded her butt through her panties before reaching further down to pull her legs apart and sit her up on the tabletop. Edward's hand was clenching mine as Emmett stepped between his girl's legs and began grinding his hips into hers. Was it just me, or was it getting hot in here?

Emmett's hands came down and began to push Rosalie's thong off before Esme laughed softly and stepped in. "Okay, you two. I think we get the point," she said with a smile. They pulled away from each other reluctantly and Emmett slapped Rosalie's ass with great humor. She huffed at him and they walked back to their plush pillow kingdom before Esme looked around.

"Now, did you see the way Rosalie's body language complemented Emmett's? They are a couple obviously comfortable with asking for what they desire, but what if you feel less sure about your partner? Okay, ladies first: let's practice seduction!" Esme instructed.

I turned to Edward and looked at him, completely at a loss. How was I supposed to seduce him? Hadn't I already seduced him? I mean, we were married and we were here, and... yeah, we were _here_ because I didn't know how to be sexy. Duh.

Looking around for inspiration, I noticed the petite woman in in the back leaning in close to her tall blond companion. She was whispering something in his ear and rubbing herself against him as she was doing so. His eyes were only open halfway as she kept at him, and there was a goofy look on his face. When I looked down, my eyes caught the obvious bulge in the front of his pants. He caught me looking and winked at me lasciviously. I blushed and looked away quickly.

The couple to our left with the shy girl and the nerdy boy were looking a little more intimidated, but still not as intimidated as I felt. The girl was running her hands through his hair softly and smiling at him while his eyes closed in bliss and he grinned happily. He reminded me of a happy dog getting pet by his owner, which made me smile.

To our right, Rosalie and Emmett were already on each other, attacking with gusto. Why they were even here, I had no idea.

Looking up to the front, I saw Carlisle grasping Esme's hips loosely as she nibbled his earlobe and brushed her breasts against his chest. Her right leg was wrapped around his and she was gyrating against him. He looked as if he couldn't see anything in the world except for her, and I was insanely jealous in that moment.

I took a fortifying breath and turned to Edward. He was looking at me with a question in his eyes. "Are you okay?" he asked tentatively.

I nodded. "I'm just not sure where to begin," I admitted.

He smirked crookedly. "Remember our fourth date?" he asked.

I thought back and shook my head at myself. "I can't believe I did that," I said, embarrassed even now.

Edward's smile grew and he looked off at something I couldn't see. "It was my fault for waiting so long to kiss you, I suppose," he admitted.

I buried my head in my hands and sighed. "Still, I can't believe I jumped you like that," remembering how I'd pushed him up against my front door of my parent's house and kissed him with great enthusiasm and little actual experience.

"Well, I liked it. Maybe you could do something like that again," he suggested with humor coloring his tone.

I peeked at him through my fingers, feeling shy. He looked more relaxed today than he had yesterday, and I knew it must have been due to my orgasm last night. I sighed and dropped my hands, willing to try _anything_ that could bring us closer together.

Without warning, I launched myself into his lap and clenched handfuls of copper hair in my fists as I kissed him with practiced passion. Edward's hands came to wrap around me and his grip tightened as we kissed deeper and longer. I felt myself beginning to lose track of space and time, which always happened whenever I got to kiss him like this...

I gasped when I felt Edward's hands groping me in a surprising way; he was being so _forceful_ and I _loved_ it! I threw myself into our kiss some more and began grinding my hips against his. I was straddling his lap as he sat cross-legged, and I could feel his huge erection pressing through his boxers into my panties.

Suddenly, I didn't care where we were or who might be watching; I wanted my husband, and I wanted him _now_. I was grinding against him in earnest now, and my hands were gripping his shoulders as I bit and licked his open mouth. I reached down to push my panties aside and reached into his boxers to free his erection through the slit. I reared up a bit and shoved myself down onto his throbbing length.

"Bella! What are you...uhhhhhhh, ahhhhhhhhh..." Edward said, his protest cutting off as I began gyrating on him. His hands gripped my hips and his mouth began devouring mine hotly, much like Emmett had kissed Rosalie earlier.

"Edward, you feel so good...this feels so good!" I whimpered into his ear before biting it.

I felt him thrust up into me discreetly, and I remembered that there were, in fact, other people in the room....but I still didn't care. I began to feel the pressurized pleasure building inside as I lifted my head and looked over to see Rosalie and Emmett going at it just like we were. Edward's body was tensing and I knew what that meant, so I refocused my attention on us and moved with him, feeling the sensations building inside me to the point of no return.

"Edward!" I whimpered. I felt myself clamp down around him as I came from sex for the first time, a second first in as little as twenty-four hours.

"Bellaaaaaaaaauhhhhh!" he groaned as he came, his arms wrapped around me like to steel beams. I buried my face into his shoulder as I came back to reality.

He laughed breathlessly and whispered, "It's okay, baby. Nobody's paying any attention to us."

I looked up and peeked around at everyone else. Edward was right; everyone was completely lost in their own world, even Esme and Carlisle.

She pulled away from him and cleared her throat, trying to bring everyone back. "Okay, everyone! That was a fantastic session, and I'm glad we all let ourselves have some fun. Our next exercise will be more of a cool-down period."

I looked at Edward and grinned, feeling elated. We were making real progress here, and I was completely excited about it. He grinned back with a goofy and very happy expression on his face.

"So here's what we're going to do: everyone form a circle and think of one thing that you feel negatively impacts your sex life. We're going to go around in a circle and discuss the issue openly, in case other couples have the same problems."

I groaned and tried to think if something to say. Everything that came to mind would be embarrassing for both Edward and myself.

I looked at him for help. "What do you think? Any ideas?" I asked. He shook his head and shrugged.

I sighed and decided I'd just have to be honest, but I decided to pick something small.

Once the circle was formed, we went around and began admitting our issues. The petite one with the Blackberry and the blond Greek god began. "I always feel like Jasper doesn't take anything seriously, in or out of the bedroom." Jasper looked at her with a tired expression on his face.

Esme nodded. "And what would you like to say in response, Jasper?"

He looked around at all of us and back to her again. "I feel like Alice is always working, so when she's at home, I try to keep things light and playful. I guess that's why she feels like I don't take anything seriously. I'm sorry, babe. I just wanted to help you relax and have some fun."

Alice looked like she was going to tear up. "Jasper, I never realized...I'm sorry I didn't understand. I'll try to cut back my hours, okay?" He nodded and they hugged as if this were an after school special and everything could be resolved that easily. _Psh._

Esme smiled approvingly and said, "Alice? I think a good first step would be to turn off your phone and put it away, at least until the end of the retreat. An even _better_ idea would be to turn it off whenever you're having alone time with your lover."

Alice nodded like an eager pupil and reached to turn her phone off.

The next couple was the shy girl and her nerdy boy. She began, looking nervous and unsure of what she was about to say. "Um, Ben and I met last year in our sophomore year at UW. We just recently decided to have sex for the first time...so we haven't actually _had it_ yet, so there's nothing really standing in the way of our sex life, except for the fact that we don't really know what we're doing..." she rambled, biting her lip and avoiding eye contact. I looked at Ben and saw him blushing and sweating.

Esme nodded and turned to Ben. "What do you think about Angela's assessment?"

He wiped his forehead nervously and removed his glasses to wipe them on his boxers. His frail frame was milk-white and curved in on itself as if he was trying to protect himself. "Angela's right; I don't know what I'm doing. But she's been with a guy before, and I'm just really scared to go _there_ with her, because what if she compares me to him?"

Angela looked hurt. "Ben! I told you I don't even remember what happened! I was drunk and he took advantage of me. I _love_ you, and I'd _never_ compare you to him, even if I remembered what happened!"

He looked embarrassed. "I'm sorry, Ang. I just worry because you're technically not a virgin anymore, and I'm still the geek with the V-card."

Angela shook her head and looked at Esme as if to say "what can I do?" Esme smiled at her reassuringly and turned back to Ben.

"Ben, please remember that Angela loves you, and it sounds like she had a pretty terrible first sexual experience. Anything that happens with you will happen out of love and respect, and when those qualities are involved...it won't matter who has done what and who hasn't. You two will find pleasure together as long as you're willing to work at it," she encouraged.

Ben looked relieved. Would everyone have problems so easily explained away and resolved?

I grumbled mentally as I thought about all of our issues.

Rosalie and Emmett were up next. "Babe, say what you wanna say," Emmett encouraged.

Rosalie rolled her eyes. "I think Emmett's only good for sex. The rest of the time he's an idiot with a big mouth."

Esme and Carlisle chuckled quietly. Was she serious? Who could have a relationship based only on sex?

"And what do you have to say to that, Emmett?" Esme invited.

He smiled. "She's totally right. That's why I just do my best to keep my mouth _busy_."

Everyone laughed. "So what about you, Emmett? Do you have any issues with Rosalie you'd like to share?" Carlisle asked.

He looked at her and nodded with a big grin. I knew a joke would follow. "Shyeah, I do. She doesn't walk around naked enough. I'm always like 'babe, c'mon, just this once!' but she's like 'shut up, you oaf!'"

Rosalie huffed and smacked him up the backside of his head. I turned to Edward and rolled my eyes. He smiled and spoke up. "You know, Emmett _does_ have a point. I think it'd _definitely_ help my sex life with my wife if she walked around naked more often."

My jaw hit the floor. Was my conservative, staid, prudish husband talking about me walking around naked? Seriously?

Carlisle laughed and everyone smiled in agreement. Esme turned to me and smiled kindly. "So, Bella, what would you say is an issue in your sex life?"

I took a deep breath and dove in. "I feel like Edward is too controlled. He always has perfect control over everything, including our sex life. I don't feel like he wants me enough to...to lose control." I admitted quietly. "We never fight. He never gets angry, or raises his voice. Just _once_, I'd like to see him lose some of that control and just be...passionate about _something_."

I took a deep breath and peeked at Edward. His eyes were downcast and his mouth was pulled into a frown. I saw a fist clenched in his lap.

Esme's playful laughter was gone now. "Edward?" she called softly. He looked up. "Would you like to respond?" she asked gently.

He sighed. "I was raised to treat women with respect. I was taught never to raise my voice or show my temper, because it could be considered weakness. Anger is volatile, and I don't want it to touch my Bella. She's such a sweet, fragile person. I know she _wants_ me to lose control, but what if I do and it scares her? What if I let that wall down and she's afraid and I can't rebuild it again? I could hurt her if I'm not careful. She bruises so easily, both emotionally and physically..." he trailed off, looking torn.

Esme nodded contemplatively. "I see where you're both coming from, Edward. I don't think this is something you can solve overnight, but it _can_ be resolved. You just need to communicate with each other the way you are right now."

We nodded solemnly.

She smiled. "So, Edward, do you have an issue with Bella you'd like to bring up?"

He took a big breath and let it go in a huge gust. "Bella doesn't think she's sexy. She seems to think she's some plain little church mouse, and it doesn't matter how often I tell her she's beautiful. She never believes that I desire her, not only for her personality, but her beautiful body as well."

I was stunned. How did he know I didn't feel sexy? Esme turned to me and nodded, inviting me to respond. "I...it's true. I don't see myself as sexy. Edward is _so_ handsome and I see the way gorgeous women look at him when we're out in public. Those women have sex oozing from their pores, and all I have is...stupid virgin stamped on my forehead." How embarrassing to admit.

Esme smiled. "Bella, I think what you need is to look at Edward and really _see_ the way he looks at you. I can see it, and so can anyone else who looks at the two of you. Edward looks at you with such love and desire. It's quite moving and beautiful, actually."

I was stunned. I turned to him and tried to really concentrate on the look in his eyes. Eventually, I felt myself begin to truly see and believe what I saw there in the golden depths. He really _did_ want me. Amazing.

I felt tears form in my eyes as I smiled up at him. He leaned over and kissed me sweetly, deeply in front of everyone. I welcomed his kiss and returned it with pleasure. "Later," he whispered with promise. I shivered and blushed as I turned back to the group.

Esme smiled approvingly at everyone and released us, letting us know that Carlisle would be assigning the homework at the door. We'd be going home tomorrow after lunch, so this was our last night here and I wanted to make sure we aced our homework tonight.

Carlisle pulled me aside and whispered into my ear. "Your homework for tonight is to start a fight with Edward. Knock-down-drag-out fight. Think you can do it?" he asked with a grin.

I looked at him in shock. He wanted me to fight with my husband? He nodded as if he'd heard my thoughts and I just shook my head. "No way. You heard us in the circle; Edward never fights!"

I shot a glance at Edward and saw him looking at me without any comprehension. I was glad he wasn't hearing our assignment, because I didn't think we could ace this. I whispered a half-hearted "I'll try" to Carlisle before I left the cabin and waited outside for Edward. He came out a moment later and grasped my hand in his.

When we got back to the cabin, I kicked off my sandals and collapsed onto the bed. Edward dropped down next to me and looked up at the ceiling. "Hey, I didn't know that was there," he remarked calmly.

He must have just noticed the mirror. I decided to give the fight-making an honest try. "Big surprise, Edward. _You _hardly notice anything unless it's a spreadsheet or a newspaper!"

He shot me a surprised and hurt look. I cringed and felt terrible for being deliberately bitchy.

"What do you mean, Bella? Are you saying I don't pay enough attention to you?" he asked, hurt.

I sat up and ran my hands through my hair before gripping it like I wanted to tear it out. "That's _exactly_ what I'm saying! Maybe if you'd put a little effort into our sex life, I wouldn't feel so unattractive and undesirable!" I yelled, really getting into character now.

Edward looked offended and pained. "Bella, I'm sorry that you feel that way..." he began, but I interrupted him.

"No, Edward! Just don't! I don't wanna hear you be so calm and collected! I want you to tell me how you really feel!" I yelled as I stood up and paced, appearing agitated.

His mouth opened and closed wordlessly. "Bella..." he warned finally.

I spun toward him and began ripping at my clothes. "I pretty much admitted in front of a bunch of strangers that I want you to lose control and _fuck me_, and you're _still _clueless! Jesus!"

Edward's eyes darkened as he watched me. I wondered what he would do now. I saw his throat working as he thought about what to do. "Bella, we've been over this. You're my wife, and I can't just turn my control off and back on whenever it suits you. I'm afraid of hurting you, why don't you understand that?"

I was almost naked now. I was getting mad now. "Edward, look at me. I'm naked, I'm angry, and I want you. Feel me," I demanded as I took his hand and stuck it between my legs.

Edward felt the moisture gathered there from my arousal, and his entire body clenched. "I'm your wife, Edward, and I want you to _fuck me_."

The silence grew as we stared each other down. The space between us was rife with tension. I felt his fingers curl upward against my sex, almost imperceptibly. I inhaled deeply as my nipples peaked and pointed right at him. His eyes dipped down and when he noticed my breasts, it was as if something inside of him broke..._finally_.

His pupils dilated and the impasse was broken as he gripped my hips roughly and threw me down onto the bed. "You'd better not regret this, Bella," he warned with a husky growl.

I gasped and reached for him. He began tearing at his clothes like a wild man as he crawled up over me. His legs straddled mine as he threw the last scrap of clothing over his shoulder and reached up to press my arms into the pillows above my head. "You asked for this, so you'd better enjoy it," he said in a foreboding way.

I said nothing, merely licked my lips and pulled him down roughly for an angry kiss. His mouth covered mine hotly, demanding a response I was all too willing to give. His hands moved over me firmly, eliciting feelings I'd never felt before. I wanted to feel his body in mine, moving like it did last night and earlier today.

It was so intoxicating to feel him finally lose control.

"Oh, Edward!" I begged as his mouth roamed over my face, neck, and chest. I'd never asked him to touch me like this before, and I was so glad I did. Oh, _so_ glad.

"You want me to suck on your beautiful breasts and lick your delicious pussy and fuck you, Bella? Is _that what you want_?" he demanded roughly.

_.hell?_ I never, ever, in a million years thought I would _ever_ hear words like that spill from my husband's mouth. It was...it was....hot. So hot.

I felt my desire for him implode, and it was all I could do to reply to his words with a whimper and a gush of moisture between my legs. Edward must have felt it because he chuckled darkly as he continued his demanding ministrations. I saw a confidence in him that I'd never seen before.

He roughly pushed my legs apart and bent down to lick me until I was whimpering his name over and over again. I pulled at his copper hair with both hands, willing him to hurry up. He reared up and shoved himself inside me with one long thrust, and I cried out in mixed joy and pleasure. Deep, dark, intense pleasure.

His gaze flickered up toward the ceiling and I saw a wicked grin cross his features. "You asked for it," I heard him mumble before he flipped us over so I was on top.

I froze. I'd never been on top before. I didn't know what to do.

Edward sensed my hesitation and looked up at me with amber eyes. "Do what feels right, baby," was all he said in a sensual voice I wished he would use all the time.

I began to move, afraid of messing this up. His hands were on my hips, guiding me. I heard him begin to speak to me in a far corner of my mind. "Ah, Bella...your breasts look so beautiful bouncing above me...I can't get enough of your gorgeous body...I wish I could fuck you like this all day, every day..."

I gasped and moved faster, enjoying his words and the sincerity behind them. His voice was making that now familiar feeling build inside of me. I arched my back and began bouncing over him with fervor now. I looked down to see his eyes glued to the mirror on the ceiling. I looked up and saw what he saw: the two of us together, moving like sexual beings. We looked hot. We looked fucking hot.

His eyes caught mine in the mirror and he grinned crookedly. "You still think you aren't sexy, Bella? Because I have a cock fucking you that says differently."

I moaned and felt Edward's fingertips dig into my hips as his thrusts upward became more and more powerful. We were moving together like a well-oiled machine now. This was just incredible.

I saw his face clenching as he tried to hold off his orgasm so I could find mine first. He took one hand and found the nub that he'd discovered yesterday while going down on me. He rubbed it the way he did with his tongue, and it shot me straight into orbit. "Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck! Edward! Oh. My. God!!!" I screamed as I came..._hard_.

Edward's answering grunts were music to my ears as he spilled himself into me. I wanted to die in that perfect moment with him buried deep inside of me.

I groaned and rolled off of him limply. He laughed and looked at me with an exalted expression on his face. "That was...uhhhhh...I don't have words," he said breathlessly.

I smirked and ran a hand down his sweaty chest. "I think we're gonna be okay now," I said sleepily.

He turned to me and brushed my damp hair off my face. "I think you're right," he said.

I snuggled up to him as he switched off the light. I knew that we still had a ways to go, but at least tomorrow we could leave here knowing we'd made some progress.

Edward and Bella Masen, sex duds no more!

**A/N: Haha..sigh. Sorry, I had fun writing this. I hope you liked it as much as I did! Thoughts? **


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